I think Kanden’s ready to get out of here.

Sounds like maybe somewhere in California; where he might be able to do work for his dad. I feel like he’s going crazy here, I knew this day would come, and I could use a change myself. Time to start saving up.

I love you, Utah, but it’s time to leave you.

I do not feel at all guilty about how high I get before work.

Kanden is, without a doubt, the only person I would ever leave SLC for.

I’m making Kanden’s birthday extra fun by being overly happy all the time and constantly saying things like “Yay! Birthday fun!”.

It’s Kanden’s birthday!

Last night we watched Better Off Dead (one of his gifts) because tonight we have to go to dinner and go to bed early, this morning I made him his favorite breakfast and presented with a Rolling Stone with Louis CK on the cover, and today I’m going to go get him a new pair of pants! When I get paid, I’m also getting us Bees (the SLC minor league baseball team) tickets but for now I’m broke.

Said something to Kanden about those gummy blue sharks yesterday and today he came home with them. <3<3<3<3

Also, there’s one of my kiddens.

So much is going on.

Two of Kanden’s friends are moving, the ones that used to live with us, he doesn’t seem too upset about it but I never know. He is seeing one of them right now for dinner and probably sees him enough to be pretty sad. I’m hoping Kanden’s other friends will reach out to him more now that those two leaving. His sister and brother-in-law are moving all the way to New York this summer, that’s going to hit him hard. He wants to move there too, I don’t really want to, but maybe if we can afford it one day. I’m going to save up, though, and hopefully we can see them for Christmas.

I’ve been working at my new job for about two months. I like it a lot, it’s simple work but it makes time go by fast. Lately I’ve been being trained on new things;  turns out I’m in line for a promotion. I would need several promotions to be where I want to be, but anything helps.

Kanden is leaving Sunday night to go to California with his dad. I’ve never stayed here alone before, mainly because I hate being alone at night, so we’ll see how that goes. He’ll be back Tuesday evening. On the bright side, his birthday is in a couple weeks, so I have time to plan something without him being here. It’s the first of our birthdays together, so I’d like to make it memorable.

A couple months ago, we signed up to donate bone marrow if anyone had a match with our tissue and the other day, Kanden got a call that he was a match. It’s a scary thing to do, takes a long time, and hurts, he may even have to get surgery; but he wants to do it. He has to get a physical to make sure he’s healthy enough to donate and that he really is a match, then he’s off to Denver. He has to go on a few trips, I’ll probably go on one, but one of us should be working while he’s doing it. Anyway, Kanden wouldn’t even go donate plasma with me, so I think the fact that he’s doing this for nothing is really amazing. Just another example of how amazing he is and how lucky I am.

All I know how to do is cause problems

I can’t seem to deal with anything rationally anymore, which sucks. I don’t know when this all started, but it’s taking over my life more than ever now. I seem to get very upset over almost anything little thing that happens, and when not so little things happen, it’s a hurricane.

Last night was a hurricane. I couldn’t contain myself and all the anger I had. I eventually talked Kanden into going to his friend’s party; I needed to go to another party and wanted some time to relax anyway. I was fine the whole time I was at the party but had to leave after about an hour, and it all came back up again. I got extremely angry, it eventually put me to sleep, and now I’ve awoken with it.

I just have no idea how to deal with anger, this is definitely a skill worth cultivating. Everything I ever do to try and relax is hopeless. I have no idea what to do.

What a week.

I’ve basically been driving myself insane, for no good reason, just get in that self-deprecating mood every now and then. There’s no way in hell Kanden isn’t extremely fed up and frustrated; he’s a trooper. I’ve got to get my shit together and calm down.

I don’t really know what’s going on. This weird way I feel has always been somewhere inside of me, I just never expected it to ever come out so strong and vicious.

It doesn’t make sense; I have everything to be happy about.

I am very lucky.

I need to realize that, and snap out of this shit, and give Kanden a break.